Being Dumb is What She Does Best
by Last of Romance
Summary: Crackfic. Relena attempts to discuss her future with Heero. No pairing. BL-mention and language. Originally posted in 2001.


Warnings: OOC warning due to character exaggeration - poking fun at cliches. Gay-Heero, but no yaoi or BL here.  
>No pairing. Well. One-sided R+1, I suppose.<p>

This fic is sort of retarded. Some people will find it funny. I think its funny... and also retarded. Heh.

Here's some insanity for ya:  
>Original Posting date: 0911/2001 ... Yes, you saw that date right. However, it was at about 7am, therefore, I wasn't really being an insensitive c-word. It was just REALLY bad timing on my part.

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><p>"Heero?" Came the hesitant voice of Relena from behind the young man as he sat quietly, reading a thick novel in his favorite fire-resistant, bulletproof chair equipped fully with a beam cannon and self-destruct switch.<p>

"What do you want, Relena?" he growled without looking up, irritation hinting in his voice.

"I've been thinking about the future... you know, like when I'm older and what kind of family I'd like to have."

"So?" he asked, not at all seeing where this was going.

"So... I've finally realized that I really **do** want to have children when I grow up," she said, "I've already thought of how my perfect child would be."

"That's nice," Heero replied, not caring much about Relena's future plans... not caring about Relena much in general, for that matter.

Though completely uninvited to do so, Relena sat down on the matching sofa next to his chair and continued to ramble on. Though, if she were to ask his permission to sit, she figured he'd say something like, '_You can do what you'd like, it's your world_.' Therefore, she didn't bother.

"Well, if I ever had any children, I'd want a son first. Someone who would be strong like his father, because when I get married, I want to marry someone who is strong... y'know, kind of like you are? Only this will be later on in my life, so he may be stronger then." When Heero didn't say anything, she decided to continue, "I want my son to have blue eyes. Not really like my kind of blue, but more like yours... You know how you have blue eyes, right? Aren't they blue?"

"No, they're **cobalt** blue. Get it right, bitch," he said, getting extremely annoyed. All he wanted to do was read a frickin' book. There was no such thing as justice in this world, or so Wufei might say. Heero suddenly discovered a Wufei appreciation he never knew he'd possessed before.

"Cobalt blue? Well, it's a very nice shade, Heero. I would like my son to have cobalt blue eyes then." She smiled.

"O-_kayyyy_..." he sighed out, trying hard to concentrate on thriller/suspense rather than the nuisance of a queen who didn't seem to know when she wasn't wanted around. He could have threatened to kill her, but... well... it'd always turned out badly and/or redundant in the past since since she seemed to really like it when he did that. Which was sort of twisted and disturbing, really.

All things aside, Relena continued, "I'd like to have a son who can do incredible feats like, oh, say, fall out of a building and not get hurt. Or... something like that." She paused and sat for a moment in thought. "I also want my son to be Japanese, or half anyway, but look absolutely _nothing_ like a Japanese boy at all."

Heero sighed once more. "What exactly are you getting at here, Relena? Are you saying that you want to adopt me or something?"

"Heero, look me in the eyes," she said with no small amount of determination.

He did.

"I'm saying that I want to have your baby," she announced, mentally crossing her fingers.

Slamming his book closed, Heero stood up and stared at Relena in the way one would usually stare at someone who'd just blurted something completely ridiculous.

"Look, Relena. We've talked about this before. It's not that I don't like you - which I don't - but I like men, and I'd much prefer a piece of male ass any day over the world's hottest woman, let alone yours. Men. Get it? M-E-N!" And with that, he stalked out of the room, not able to take any more of Relena's presence for the day.

"You're a turd burglar, Heero!" she called after him.

After not hearing a response, she sat back on the sofa and crossed her arms over her chest. Then, she let out a small '_Harumph_!' just for good measure.

'_Well, shit_,' she thought to herself, '_I guess Dorothy was right. Unless I become a lesbian, I'm never ever going to get laid_.' She sighed, defeated, and stood. '_I wonder if Pargan has Ms. Noventa's number. Her husband died, so she's definitely single now_...'

Fin.

** Ms. Noventa... not Sylvia, but Marshall Noventa's wife. Yes, that's right - Sylvia's grandma. DX


End file.
